Thursday, June 7, 2012

Not sure I agree with the experts on this one...

According to this article on Yahoo, the following "marriage problems" can actually be good for your relationship:
  1. You both fantasize about other people
  2. He goes out with the guys
  3. You argue a lot
  4. He spends a lot of money on his hobbies
  5. He uses porn
  6. He works all the time
  7. You both flirt with other people online
  8. You're too tired for sex
  9. He's close to a female colleague
I'm sorry, but I don't buy most of these. My first thought was that these experts must all be men, because five out of nine of these are about men. "Boys will be boys" and all that. But I doubt the expertise of these "experts," especially since I know marriages that broke up over some of these issues.

Going out with friends--definitely to be encouraged. I'm a big believer in each person having close friendships outside of the marriage. I also know some people who have "work spouses" as do their partners. I think this can be okay when there is a huge amount of trust in the marriage and the relationship is already on steady ground. I've had lunch with male coworkers or friends, and Mike has had lunch with female friends. So it can be done when there is already a solid bond.

Fantasies and porn--I know a lot of couples use these frequently to enrich their relationships. But in other situations (especially with porn), it can become detrimental. I remember, as a child, visiting friends who showed me their dad's hidden stash of Playboy magazines. I have always wondered how their wives felt about their own bodies, knowing that their husbands were salivating over these naked women. But maybe I'm just prudish!

Mike and I rarely argue (perhaps once every few months), and it never lasts long, so I cannot relate to the idea of arguing a lot and that being good for your relationship. But maybe it is for other couples.

Without divulging too much information about our love life, I'm not exactly sure how "too tired for sex" can actually be good for a relationship, although I do think that parents need to schedule time for intimacy because it's harder to be spontaneous with busy family schedules.

Spending a lot of money on hobbies and working all the time, well I just can't see how the second one can POSSIBLY be good for a marriage. I'm sorry. The hobbies part is okay, I suppose, depending on how "a lot of money" is defined.

And finally, the flirting with other people online...I suppose it depends on how you define flirting. Complimenting someone or teasing...that's one thing. But when flirting becomes a betrayal, or if it becomes something that needs to be hidden from your spouse, I just can't see how that can be good for a marriage.

And why isn't it supposedly good if the woman goes out with the girls, spends a lot of money on her hobbies, uses porn, works all the time, and is close to a male colleague??? Why is this all about excusing the man's bad behavior and ascribing it as "good for the marriage"?

Bottom line...I call sexism.

Most of this article is bullshit and typical "Boys will be boys" excuse for poor behavior by a spouse (usually the man). If experts think that these habits make for a good marriage, I have a number of much better marriages to show them...ones that do not indulge in any of these activities (or at least as far as I know)!

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