Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Rules by the meanest mommy in the world

No, it's not me!

Someone very clever has started a blog by that title and invited people to send in examples of why they should win the title. A former coworker of mine is featured today:

Rule #278: Mommy is anti-cheese-in-the bathtub. (Who knew a mom had to have a position on this sort of thing?) Thanks, Joanna M.!

Here are some other gems from mommies (and daddies):

Rule #276: Please do not take pictures of your poop with my iPhone.

Rule #275: Please do not write on our kitchen appliances with a permanent marker.

Rule #272: If you do not want to get blamed, do not carve your name in the top of the coffee table. Especially when you are the only child in the house who is able to spell their name correctly.

Rule #267: Please do not discuss comparative gender anatomy with strangers. Most especially, do not speculate on the size of the hotel clerk’s nipples in comparison to Daddy’s.

Rule #263: When I allow you to pee standing up like Daddy, it is not okay to poop at the same time.

Rule #251: When I ask you to keep an eye on your sister, please do not smear brownie batter on her head.

Rule #244: Please do not staple your brother to his bed.

Rule #227: It is extremely important that you stop peeing before you shake.

Rule #219: As cute as I think your little bum is, you do not need to insist I take a picture of it every time I get the camera out.

Rule #205: The couch is not an artist’s canvas.

Rule #199: While I appreciate your entrepreneurial spirit, you may not try to sell your “I Love Mom” shirt just because you are super mad at me.

Rule #198: No, you may not glue those googly-eyes on your penis and scare your brother and/or dad tonight when you’re changing into your pajamas at bedtime.

Rule #193: Dear second grader…the “suffer with the baby that wants to get up and play in the middle of the night” clause of our contract expired quite some time ago. Renegotiation of said contract is not an option.

Rule #175: Don’t put underwear in your oatmeal.

Rule #163: You may not shove your baby brother for smiling at you.

Rule #140: You may not push elevator buttons with your tongue. It makes Mommy throw up a little in her mouth.

Rule #137: Please do not draw on both sides of Mommy’s new car with a rock.

Rule #130: When you jump out of the shower to scare your brother while he’s peeing, don’t be surprised when you get wet.

Rule #127: Please do not stick the only key to the vehicle we are driving down the hole in the fire truck shopping cart at the grocery store. Mommy does not like that and neither do the three drill-wielding assistant managers who had to extract it so I could get the heck out of there.

Rule #125: Sure you can try that, but I hope you don’t die.

Rule #120: When you take off your glasses, the middle of driveway is not the best place to leave them.

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